It’s been awhile since I shared more of my story on how I got to this part of my journey in life. I think I’m ready to share some more. The story of my life, as I read it over, puts a pit in my stomach. I do want to share that life is not this way anymore. Yes, ups and downs and sometimes things get crazy, but there is unity and connection. Most of all, Love.
Weeks turned into months, and Rob and I started seeing each other all the time and began to really establish a relationship. I would take my son with me to visit him and Rob often came down to see us. We spent a lot of time together and talked on the phone constantly. I gave my whole self to him. However even during the first few months, sometimes things didn’t seem quite right. A part of me was suspicious but I would tell myself, that here was a guy who is accepts me and my son, and that I should have nothing to complain about. I accepted any treatment he offered. I had such a low self esteem, I wondered, who else would ever want such a wretched girl and her child?
In June of 1994, Rob told me that he needed to move out of his brother’s place. He asked me to move in with him. I was happily surprised that he wanted to make a life with me and my son. I jumped at the idea.
I informed my mom I was moving out. Needless to say the poop really hit the fan. We argued and fought constantly, and she and my sister actually threatened to not allow me to take my son with me. I raged, I screamed, I yelled, I lashed out and as usual, I hurt myself. As my life became more difficult and unmanageable, the two of them pointed out that my behaviour was exactly why I shouldn’t be allowed to take my child with me. I was scared. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to run away. Despite their best efforts to prevent it, I eventually left with my son.
Rob found us a basement apartment not far from his brother’s place in Ajax. He found some furniture at garage sales and fixed the place up nicely for us. Moving in there, I felt so free. I was finally able to be a mom by myself. I did things the way I liked. It was very liberating.
The summer came, and Rob worked with a new friend. However, most days he didn’t come home. He would leave in the morning and I wouldn’t hear from him or see him until after midnight or the next day. The nights he did come home, he was very drunk. I was frustrated, irritated and very angry. I demanded to know where he was and what he was doing. He never gave the answers I needed. There was little and then no communication between us. What was I to do? In my scared and upset state, I figured that nobody else would ever want me and that I had to put up with this lifestyle.
September came, I went back to high school. Rob went back to school as well. Alex was on a waiting list for daycare. When school started I started leaving Alex with my mom for the week and on weekends I took him back to our apartment. One Friday before I left to pick him up, I told my mother that a spot became available for my son starting on the following Monday. To my dismay, my sister and mother told me I couldn’t have him! They said I was not fit to be a mother and that I could not take good care of him. I screamed on the phone that they couldn’t have him. I did pick him and he attended Day care the following week.
I started Grade 11 again and it started off well. However the relationship with Rob continued going downhill. I hated myself. I blamed myself. I wasn’t pretty enough, not sexy enough. My food intake diminished more and more. I was less than 90 pounds but I needed to take off more weight so he would love me. And so the torture and abuse on myself continued. I felt that all our problems were my fault and that it was because of me that all of this was happening.
When Rob was sober he was fun, he was kind and gentle. He would make promises to me that he would stop drinking. He promised to be a family man and be with us
Sadly, I believed him.
October 1994. I’m pregnant. Again……….