Long road here Pt 7

It’s been awhile since I shared more of my story on how I got to this part of my journey in life. I think I’m ready to share some more. The story of my life, as I read it over, puts a pit in my stomach. I do want to share that life is not this way anymore. Yes, ups and downs and sometimes things get crazy, but there is unity and connection. Most of all, Love.

Weeks turned into months, and Rob and I started seeing each other all the time and began to really establish a relationship. I would take my son with me to visit him and Rob often came down to see us. We spent a lot of time together and talked on the phone constantly. I gave my whole self to him. However even during the first few months, sometimes things didn’t seem quite right. A part of me was suspicious but I would tell myself, that here was a guy who is accepts me and my son, and that I should have nothing to complain about. I accepted any treatment he offered. I had such a low self esteem, I wondered, who else would ever want such a wretched girl and her child?

In June of 1994, Rob told me that he needed to move out of his brother’s place. He asked me to move in with him. I was happily surprised that he wanted to make a life with me and my son.  I jumped at the idea.

I informed my mom I was moving out. Needless to say the poop really hit the fan. We argued and fought constantly, and she and my sister actually threatened to not allow me to take my son with me. I raged, I screamed, I yelled, I lashed out and as usual, I hurt myself. As my life became more difficult and unmanageable, the two of them pointed out that my behaviour was exactly why I shouldn’t be allowed to take my child with me. I was scared. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to run away. Despite their best efforts to prevent it, I eventually left with my son.

Rob found us a basement apartment not far from his brother’s place in Ajax. He found some furniture at garage sales and fixed the place up nicely for us. Moving in there, I felt so free. I was finally able to be a mom by myself. I did things the way I liked. It was very liberating.

The summer came, and Rob worked with a new friend. However, most days he didn’t come home. He would leave in the morning and I wouldn’t hear from him or see him until after midnight or the next day. The nights he did come home, he was very drunk. I was frustrated, irritated and very angry. I demanded to know where he was and what he was doing. He never gave the answers I needed. There was little and then no communication between us. What was I to do? In my scared and upset state, I figured that nobody else would ever want me and that I had to put up with this lifestyle.

September came, I went back to high school. Rob went back to school as well. Alex was on a waiting list for daycare. When school started I started leaving Alex with my mom for the week and on weekends I took him back to our apartment. One Friday before I left to pick him up, I told my mother that a spot became available for my son starting on the following Monday. To my dismay, my sister and mother told me I couldn’t have him! They said I was not fit to be a mother and that I could not take good care of him. I screamed on the phone that they couldn’t have him. I did pick him and he attended Day care the following week.

I started Grade 11 again and it started off well. However the relationship with Rob continued going downhill.  I hated myself. I blamed myself. I wasn’t pretty enough, not sexy enough. My food intake diminished more and more. I was less than 90 pounds but I needed to take off more weight so he would love me. And so the torture and abuse on myself continued.  I felt that all our problems were my fault and that it was because of me that all of this was happening.

When Rob was sober he was fun, he was kind and gentle. He would make promises to me that he would stop drinking. He promised to be a family man and be with us

Sadly, I believed him.

October 1994. I’m pregnant. Again……….

Is this the hill I want to die on today?

Is this the hill I want to die on today? This was a question I often asked myself when things were getting “crazy” with the kids or myself. It helped me to pick and choose my battles throughout the day (when I remembered it).

I was out with a friend Tuesday and we were talking about our kids. Specifically about how they test out boundaries. I believe it’s good for our kids to tread some water with us. This is a growth edge for them in becoming their own person and asking for their needs. As frustrating as it is at times, I like it because it shows me my kids are exploring and feel safe enough in our family to do so. Depending on what boundary they would like to move or expand, there is room for discussion around it. If it’s something that has potential to cause harm to them, others or our family, deeper communication is followed, all the while, allowing space for them to add their opinion without me freaking out (this has taken practice because I like things just as they are). ;)

I remembered that question I use to use.  I shared it with my friend and she cracked up laughing! She even went as far as to write it down so she would remember it, hahaha.

So friends, in the midst of insanity with or without your bundles of joys, ask yourself, “Is this the hill I want to die on today?”

Happy day ya’ll!! :D

 

Here’s a Thought!

I just stumbled across an article Dr. Phil put out on the internet. Puts my knickers in a twist! The article is about Teenage mothers. Through this whole article there is nothing but negative statistics. However, true some may be, there is plently of good as well. There is also talk of the show Teen Mom 2. I’d like to add my opinion on this show, a couple of years ago my daughters were watching it. I went in to check it out,  as our family has guidelines and limits to what gets watched in our home. Before I watched, I didn’t agree with it, but, after watching, I encouraged my girls to watch as this show does not hide or glorify the hardships these young moms go through. The loneliness, heartache’s, the challenges that come with being a teen mom are presented clearly in this show. As I watched, my heart went out to these girls. I saw myslef in each one of them. Another thing, why does all of this negativity come down on us girls? Dr. Phil have you thought at all about what kind of family life we may have encountered? Have you considered the abuse some of us may have gone through? Or how about the lack of stability, love or nurturing we may have not gotten?? Could these facts play into why there are teen pregnancies? Where’s the accountability to society? To our families of origin? How about we start there to fix the brokenness before “scolding” us teen moms who are doing the best we can. So instead of nit picking the wrongs, lets get to the rights. The rights of these young girls sacrificing their lives to raise their kids, sacrificing their time and education to own up to their responsibilities. How about that for a change? Geez, give us some credit, we don’t need kicking when we’re down. We are the one’s who need a hand reached down to us, to help us up so we in turn can and are able to bring our kids up too. I will share where my children are at. My son Alex is in third year University. He has had scholarships coming out of his ears! He can cook, clean and he is a joy to hang out with. He is smart, knows communicate and has a spiritual side to him. Two years ago he sacrificed his summer to go to another country and teach others of the God he follows. He is the byproduct of a teen mom. My eldest daughter Corinne, is graduating High School this year and is going to College for Culinary. She has alreadyy landed herself a job in the field. She also can cook, clean and take care of herself. She is another joy to my life. We are not only mother and daughter (first), we are friends too. She talks to me about everything. She too is a byproduct of teen pregnancy. My youngest spunky, unique bundle of joy, Rebekah is half way through High school and is passing all her classses and has dreams of attending University and becoming a writer. She too is able to cook, clean and take care of herself. we share an open communication. She is yet another byproduct of a teen pregnancy. Both my daughters sacrificed their spring break last year to go to a poverty stricken state and share their love and knowledge of the God they follow. Now tell me does anyone ever speak of things like this? I believe in my heart my kids are not the only ones out there born from a teen mom who have made big huge leaps and bounds over the nations statistics. So please people, change the perspective in your mind on Teen pregnancy and strip it back further and ask yourself with some compassion, “what happened in these girls life?” “who failed her with love and nurturing, that she needed to go out find it for herself?” Feel love and respect towards us. Those of us who have steeped up to the plate to do the best we can with what was dealt to us. And for crying out loud, stop judging the kids of teen moms and categorizing them as failures!! Good grief!

There you go Dr. Phil, add that to your statistics!

(I apologize for my harshness, it’s quite the touchy subject for me) :)

This too shall pass…I promise! ;)

Have you ever taken your little ones out and things just go crazy?  Kids have tantrums or misbehave in public?   At times I felt I was the only one who had ever experienced the sheer embarrassment of the stares and judgements from people because of a child’s freak out? Much to my relief, I’m  not.

Ok so this truly truly happened. Many years ago when Bekah was two years old, we were in church. Our church that day had a very popular instrumental band playing with a special guest singer. The church was packed, people were standing everywhere. Someone from the church had reserved some seats for me and the kids, how sweet and thoughtful this woman had been to save us seats at the front of the church.

Service had started and the band and singing started. I guess Bekah didn’t care too much for the music. She sood up in the pew and started to fuss. A lady sitting behind us offered her a candy and Bekah accepted the candy only to throw it back at her and scream NO! Good grief, I was starting to get anxious, I tried to quiet Bekah down which just fueled her frustration more.

Long story short, Bekah went into a full blown temper tantrum. The tantrum was so loud the singer stopped singing and the band stopped playing. ALL eyes were on me. On us. I tried as quietly as I could to get out of the pew and into the aisle so me and my three kids could leave. There was no way in heck I was leaving there unnoticed. As I made my way to the aisle with Alex and Corinne trailing behind me, Rebekah turns to spaghetti girl in my arms. Down she goes to the floor, kicks her boots off her feet and kicks her legs up and down all the while, screaming at the top of her lungs. I was trying to gather her up off the floor while instructing Alex through clenched teeth to “go get her boots”. Please keep in mind my friends, everyone was staring at me, some shaking their heads and some even with their mouths open. We finally made it out of there, as the door closes behind us, and I’m walking to my car, I hear the music start up again.

I got us in the car, put the kids in their car seats, put myself in my seat and hugged the steering wheel and cried.

I can actually laugh about this situation today. I can also have much compassion for those mums/parents out there who go through very similar experiences. My suggestion in these situations, be gentle with yourself and go with the flow. The more you try to fix and fight the tantrum, the worst it gets. I had many, many more situations such as these over the years. I learned to pace and time myself, look for warning signs and have an action plan that worked for us in place. It doesn’t always work out but we survive and get through it. We do the best we can raising our kids. They give us their best too.

Believe me when I say this, those days shall pass.  :)

 

She’s hired!!

Hey!

Corinne has been doing co-op at a restaurant since November of last year. This was her last week there. I went to have breakfast once and tried to play it low key as to not distract or embarrass her (hehe). Mind you, I took out my phone and was trying to take pictures of her making desserts and working away to share with the rest of the family. Oh boy was I beaming with pride as I watched her delicately create delicious desserts and display them. You know they left her alone to run the dessert area all by herself!!! I was so impressed. On another note, I ordered chocolate banana waffles with vanilla frozen yogurt. YUMMY! (Corinne made them for me)

So this morning as I was getting ready to go out to meet a friend, I hear Corinne on the phone talking, she whispers to me, “mom they’re getting the general manager to speak to me”. I was like, “oh my gosh, what the heck for???” She says, “THEY HIRED ME!” I was so ecstatic for her!!

She will be getting her schedule tomorrow and we will be going to get her a new shirt and slacks for work :D

It’s so awesome!! Way to go!!

 

Got Love?

Love. So much talk on love. Oooey gooey love. But really, when we strip it down past the surface emotion of butterflies in the tummy and that excitement of another significant other, there is a deeper love that comes from the depths of our soul. I like to call it real love.

My favourite definition of love is this:

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek it’s own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1Corinthians 13:4-6. 

Rob, thank you for this morning, I saw all these things in you.

Diets?

I started an exercise plan with my friend this morning. We always committed to a daily walk and catch up with one another but we decided to take the exercising a bit further. Last week she shared with me a diet that we could lose up to ten pounds in one week. I share this with my husband Rob and family. Rob looks over this diet and we read the daily food intake etc..This diet consisted of various fruits and veggies and a soup and a limited amount of calories. We look at each other and say  “yup sounds good and healthy to me”.  Friends I’d like to share that, I don’t need to loose 8-10 pounds, but I jumped on the diet wagon and off we went. We spent a full day preparing this diet and prepping fruits and veggies. The day came and we started the diet, we were pumped! My friend and I called and texted each other throughout the day. We complained of hunger, headache and how watching our kids eat yummy food was torturing us. Poor Rob. He called me throughout the day from work telling me he just wasn’t feeling well. Let me tell you, Rob works a physical job. He does the work of five men, so with this reduced calorie diet, things were not going well for him. The day continued on and it was dinner time. I was nauseated by this time and truth be told, I cheated with a piece of cheese, 3 french fries, and 10 crackers. My friend calls me and says, I’m making my hubby eggs, I WANT ONE, I’m giggling and trying to encourage her to stick to it, mind you I had already cheated myself!! hahaha

As the evening continued, Alex and I looked up the health effects of this diet and to our pleasant surprise, it was not healthy at all! I call my friend and tell her of our findings, she says, “thank God, I’m going to eat!” I say, “me too!!”. After speaking with her, Rob calls and says, “Chris, I’m not feeling well”, I tell him of our findings about the diet however by this time, he’s so ill, he was unable to concentrate, he had a migraine headache and when he arrived home, ran upstairs to toss his cookies!! Oh excuse me, his soup. This was the end of this crazy idea of diets for us.

So friends, lesson learned. Check out the diets BEFORE trying them. Better yet, for me and my friend (and for Rob), we’ll add a bit more exercise, eat healthy and enjoy ourselves!!