Love

He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we can be healed. Isaiah 53:5 NLT

By His stripes, His wounds, we are healed and saved. There is no greater love than what He has shown for us.

Self Harm. Please Re-post and Share

Good morning friends.

I’m writing today with much concern. I am aware of some serious issues and sadly, I feel my hands are tied.

Speaking from my own experience on suffering with an eating disorder and self harm, I understand the severity and the feelings of bondage these coping behaviors have on one’s self. These addictions are progressive and get worse over time. The cries for help people use often go unheard. Especially by parents.

As I type away here this morning, I am reminded and so aware of how our family life and parenting has such an effect on our children. Unfinished business from our past gets brought into our own family and unknowingly we project it onto our kids. Good and bad. Placing responsibility on our kids to cope with our “stuff”.

Self harm also know as, cutting, hitting one’s self, piercing one’s skin with objects, scrapping skin off the body, the list can go on and on. Usually, when a person suffers from one addictive behavior often there’s another to accompany it. Such as an eating disorder, drugs or alcohol.

Coping this way often relieves a flood of emotions that one is unable to handle. It provides temporary relief from some heavy troubles they are facing and dealing with.  I cannot stress enough how this behavior is a way of coping. Coping with life, with feelings. It’s not just an experimental stage, it’s not a way of getting attention either. It’s a cry for help.  It’s being used for relief and just like addiction, being used to take one’s self out of the reality they feel is to hard to bear. 

As parents, it’s important to remember this way of coping doesn’t just happen over night. This is a life time of issues the individual, our children, may be dealing with. I feel it’s important to remember that our lives and family may look good on the surface level but it may  not be so for our kids. We all perceive things and life differently. I can go on and on about this issue but I instead I will attach a couple of helpful web sites. Please share them. The best thing we can do is, openly speak about these issues.

http://selfmutilatorsanonymous.org/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/feeling_sad/cutting.html

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/eating_disorders.html

 

 

 

Out for the day.

I’m going to be out for most part of the day today.

This brings me some anxiety. Why? Well friends, I’m a home body. I like, I feel comfortable, I feel safe when I stay home. I do enjoy going out, I do like the fact that when I’m out and want to come home I do just that. When I wanted, NEEDED, to get home I was on a mission to get myself there. And if it was taking too long, oh good grief, my poor family would get the brunt end of my irritation.  It’s not nearly as bad as before. I would very rarely go out. Only to do necessary things. Walk the dog, grocery shop and yes, go out with my kids. It’s kinda funny because it was something I was not really aware of until I really got down to business on working on myself.  This behavior stems from growing up with addiction and from my past sexual abuse. It’s, I, am a work in progress and what’s important is that I make changes everyday.  It’s also good for those who live with me and for those who share close relationship with me to know these issues. When we’re in the process of healing the people around us play a big part in helping, guiding us. :D

So today, I’m being picked up by a friend at 9:30am and will not be returning home until about 4:00pm. Oh my.

Part of it is, I realize, my control issues. If I’m not home to “make sure” the house runs smoothly or have dinner ready or be sure to be home for when my girls get home from school, this brings up feelings of, hmmm, not quite sure how to name the feelings. Am I the only one who faces this dilemma?? ;)

Anyways friends, I’m heading out soon. I am deciding today, to just chill out and go with the flow. Be in the moment. Ahhhh yes, being in the moment is truly living. So that’s my goal for today.

I’ll let you know what comes of it. :)

Hope the day is filled with God’s favor and love for all of you today :D

 

Phobias and the Brain

Christina Lane- teen mom to teens:

Take a read. I’d bet the majority of us struggle with this. :)

Originally posted on Wives of Sex Addicts Therapy blog:

“The road to brain wellness begins with awareness. It also ends in awareness, and awareness allows every step along the way.  In the brain, energy flows where awareness goes.

“When the energy stops flowing, you become stuck.  Stuckness is an illusion, but when it is happening to you, it feels very real.  Consider someone who is deathly afraid of spiders. Phobias are fixed (i.e., stuck) reactions. An arachnophobe cannot see a spider without an automatic rush of fear.  The lower brain triggers a complex chemical cascade.  Hormones race through the bloodstream to speed up the heart and raise blood pressure.  Muscles prepare for fight or flight.  The eyes become tightly focus, with tunnel vision on the thing one fears.  The eyes become tightly focused, with tunnel vision on the thing one fears.  The spider becomes enormous in the mind’s eye.  So powerful is the fear reaction that the higher brain–the…

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Long road here continued…

I don’t even know how many parts I have posted about my journey to where I am today. I will share that, I get a lot of demands about posting this part of my life. Why?? No clue. I ask the inquiring minds why and what is it about these posts they enjoy and here’s what a few readers say…

“It’s interesting. It’s your life” , “Incredible transformation”, “It shows me no matter what happens, God is always there”, “It shows me what you went through has made you a strong woman”, ” You never gave up”, “You keep fighting, giving God the glory”, “no matter what happens in life to always trust God”.

Well, that was very nice for me to hear. I am grateful that God moves in my life, in our lives, to change what the devil intended for bad to something miraculous and beautiful. I thank you all for reading.

The journey continues….

May 2010

I, the children and Rob were committed to helping a friend move this particular day. Rob planned to be home to lend his pick up truck to carry furniture. He came home, all was well, and he went to shower.

I felt suspicious but once again, turned a blind eye and disregarded that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought that it was weird to have this feeling come over me, but trusted him. After all, the incredible changes in him over the past few months were heavenly.  I had gone ahead to our friend’s place which was not far from our own place. I was over there for a couple hours and started to wonder where on earth was Rob. I decided to come home to check to see where he was. As I came in, he was heading out to meet me.

I decided I was going to run up and use our washroom before heading over there again. So up I went for a pee. As I sat there I looked into a book bin we had and there was his Ipod. With shaking hands I picked it up and turned it on. I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for, but I knew in the back of my mind, that internet was accessible from this device. At first I thought, No Chris, don’t go there, but I did. My heart was racing so fast I almost threw up. I was in disbelief, I did not know what to do. Something inside me said, it is finished now. I didn’t know what that meant or where it was coming from. I was in despair with no one to turn to. My nightmare was starting all over again. The anger bubbled up from the depths of my insides, I was shaking uncontrollably, and it was like all our years of craziness came flooding in. All the signs of infidelity, all the unexplainable events and mood swings, this explained it all. The other women, the looks, the betrayal. My world was splitting into a million pieces and there was nothing I could do about it.

Sadly Corinne encountered that trauma and experienced the hurt along with me. I saw the anger well up in her eyes. I could feel her little heart turn to stone. I couldn’t help her, I had just exposed her to this ugliness and I couldn’t even help myself.  We sat together in my bedroom stunned at this realization.

Rob was downstairs during all of this. He came up and asked us, “What’s up? Everything ok?” With a shaky voice I said, “Yup”. He stood there looking at me, and I at him. He went back downstairs. A few minutes later, I descended, I walked past him, he reached out and grabbed my hand. I quickly pulled away and told him through clenched teeth, “Don’t you ever touch me again”.  We stared at each other for a few seconds, he stood up, went to the washroom, closed the door. I stood there frozen. A few minutes later he came out, came down the stairs and without looking at me or saying a word, he walked out of the house. He was gone for hours. I had gone to bed long before he got home.

I didn’t know what to think, how to feel, or what I was going to do. I told no one of this horror I found. Something was going on inside me during these two days. I cried out to God with all my heart. I cried and cried until I had no tears left. I couldn’t eat, sleep or think straight. The kids knew something was seriously wrong. Corinne carried this heavy burden inside herself and the other two, knew there was trouble brewing. The next day, I sat my other two children down and shared with them what I had found. Corinne decided to tell them exactly how it all went “down”.  We all experienced anger, rage, disbelief, and utter shock.  I had decided that this was the last straw. I thought I was going to divorce him. I had finally had enough…….

I feel the need to remind my readers, and mostly myself, as writing about this triggers me, this is not what is happening today. There are issues that we continue to go through and that is to be expected. Today Rob and I have been and are working on our marriage and our family. It is not easy some days but we get through. We are committed to working things out. We understand  that what we have brought to our marriage stems way back to our upbringing. Yes it easy to blame and point the finger to the one with bad behaviour, that keeps the focus off of our part. And friends, we all have a part. Sin is sin is sin in God’s eyes. None are greater than others. Although society may see it that way. As horrible as a situation that has been, I couldn’t be more grateful to God for opening my eyes to such blessings and goodness that has come out of it. 

Thanks for reading :)

 

 

 

I Choose, I Decide.

You know the saying when it rains it pours?

For me, I like to see it as a lot of goodness coming my way. Things may be tough and challenging, and at times, I feel like I want to die, but I don’t. I survive :)

Over the past two days, there’s been a turn of events in our home. There has been some ugliness rearing it’s ugly head again. I can see my part and I’m sure there’s some parts of mine I don’t see. That will be revealed to me in God’s time. I don’t know what I need to learn from this series of events that is happening but I know from previous experiences there’s a gift in this for me. and to my pleasant surprise, I feel very calm and serene this morning. After last evenings post about keeping myself busy and surrendering my rage to God, I had a little slip. I failed to keep myself from getting sucked into my emotions. I jumped in with two feet! I raged with my words. I even swore!!! Oooo that’s not anything I’m proud of. I threatened and I called names. The person at the end of this abuse was my husband. Under no circumstance is it ok to use someone as your “punching bag”. No matter what is happening I need to focus on what is going on in me. Yes this is very difficult when in relationship. However, I need to remember to do that. Ultimately what’s going on in me has everything to do with me. I have the power to choose how I respond to certain situations. I CHOOSE. Yesterday, I chose the reactive way. Needless to say, it has resulted in more nonsense to an already existing situation. This morning I took my time to connect and reflect. I made an amends to my husband for my bad behaviour.

My point is, we have make the ultimate decisions. We choose if we will react or respond to life. Most of my years were spent in reaction. I don’t want that life anymore and for the most part, I’m not there anymore. The question that resides with me is, what happens when I have a slip? what’s going on in me when I rage? where are my emotions at and what does this remind me of from my past? Yes, sounds like a lot to always remember but if I want to make strides in my transformation and recovery from my past, this is something I need to choose to strive for on a daily basis and not ever, ever think I am “cured” or have reached a plateau in changing and growing, this my friends means I have entered the “danger zone”. Ahhh and how funny my God is, gives me challenges such as what I’m facing today as a friendly reminder. Thanks JC!!

As I continue on my day, I choose to be mindful and I will choose love, love for myself and others.

Thanks for reading and God bless you!! :D

 

Tis the Season.

I’m finding myself going through a very familiar season of life.

I don’t like it.

Maybe I’m focusing too much on my external world that is causing me to stumble, I’m not really sure. What I am sure of is, I do not want to walk through this season again. It’s old. It’s frustrating and frankly, I’m very sick and tired of it. It’s like a merry go round cycle every 8-10 weeks.

When I’m in this place I can easily be sucked into fits of rage, and my emotions and thoughts can escalate and bring me to despair. Today, I decided and made the choice, to hustle my butt to church and surrender the rage that was brewing and bubbling up inside me. Friends it’s been over two months since my last rage attack and I intend on keeping it that way. This is NOT something I could possibly do in my own power. Oh no! This is a minute by minute surrender to Almighty God who gives me the strength to overcome these powerful emotions. It is also very beneficial I have this blog as I feel I am held accountable for my behaviour. So, to all who read, thank you!

What’s my part in all this? I have yet to determine that. I can say, I’ve added sarcasm to conversation and anger. I’ve withdrawn and have put up a “wall”. If I’m honest I can also say, I have belittled with my words. Well I guess, there it is. There’s my part. I could also add my extreme problem solving in tough hurtful situations.

I have heard, it takes no special talent to walk away.

What am I going to do today? I’m going to do what I need to do to take care of me. I’m going to walk the dog. I’m going to go putter around Wal mart and I’m going to re-affirm myself with positive affirmations and most of all, I will surrender to God today.

So off I go friends. Thanks for reading. God bless. ;)

 

 

 

 

Stumped :(

Ahhh the teenage years.

Friends, I will be honest. I don’t hit too many major road blocks with my kids. So far the teenage and transition into adulthood have been pretty manageable. Don’t get me wrong here, some issues indeed have surfaced and come up but for the most part we have sailed through by the grace of God.

This morning there has been an issue in which I feel, I’m “loosing control”.  Now parents, people, lets face it, having “control” of others is just an illusion we have because really, we only have control over ourselves. (This goes for our kids too). Rob and I have set out rules, guidelines and have open communication with our kids. We lay a good foundation and hope for the best. We do what we can and God does the rest.  Our kids will do and think what they like regardless of what we say.

Well, early this morning after I had my alone time with God, prayed, meditated and even wrote in my journal I will add, serenity came over me. I felt balanced and ready to face just about anything. Anything??? 

As I shared in a previous post, Bekah and I don’t see eye to eye at times. We each have different views on things and that’s okay. It adds flavor to our relationship. We have learned to accept each other’s views and accept one another for that. However, today, we got a little heated on a conversation and what she felt was fair and just and what felt was fair and just. We missed the opportunity to “walk across the bridge” and meet each other half way. The power struggle was on! One voice escalated, the other escalated and in no time, we were off to the races!!  Some how my other daughter Corinne, got sucked in and involved and that too ended up turning into a little nasty yell fest. Alex stood by and observed the situation.

After a few minutes of that, we all returned to “our corners”.

I poured myself another coffee, said the serenity prayer and went to sit down to review my part in this situation.

A few minutes later, serenity returned.  My girls had come down from their rooms and we chatted. Ahhh peace. I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it is when your teenage kids have forgiveness and understanding in their hearts. It’s times like these, the challenges, that make me see the fruits our our labor. The incredible power of God working behind the scenes.

My girls just yelled down from their room, “Hey mom, wanna come to the mall with us?” :D

Guess I’d better get ready, going to the mall now :)

To all of you who read, thanks for reading. Thanks for your support on my blog. Sending you all much love ;)

P.S

I hate the mall. Ugh. :(  Hahahahaha

My Life Savers ;) Please Watch.