Girl Power!!

Good morning friends.

Went to group therapy with my husband last night. Gosh, what a session. My nasty came out. I lashed out at the group and was going to leave.  I felt misunderstood and not heard. I felt the crazy in me coming back. This feeling is not good for me, or anyone else for that matter. It really brings out my defense mechanisms.

One blessing that did arise from the situation last night, there’s always a gift God gives me in ugly situations, is the courage I had to stand up for myself.  Being sexually abused as a child, the courage to stand up for one’s self usually gets lost. Last night, there was an anger inside me that I could not contain anymore. I had had enough. Unless a person is familiar with what happens to a child with such abuse and what needs to happen in order for the Survivor to heal, this type of behaviour is seen as rude, not loving, self-centered and whatever else one may think. For me, I feel empowered. I feel good for myself. I feel I am finally able to protect myself and look out for my best interests. I feel like I am worth it and I WILL take care of myself. God doesn’t allow these types of situations for nothing. I have been praying over the past few days for God to open my eyes to see where I still need growth. I should know that when I pray for such a thing, He will show me exactly what needs to be changed.  All the while I think about my growth and godliness in a sense of how I am towards others, I never stop to think that God is showing me how I am towards myself. After all, He says, love your neighbour as you love yourself. If I’m not fully loving on myself and respecting who God created me to be, I am then unable to deliver that love to others. It will only be as good of love as I can give to myself.

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With that, I will say to myself, I AM OK. It is ok to stand up for myself and if anyone gets offended with that or has a hard time accepting where I am at in my journey, that is there issue. I need not worry about what others think. My journey is my own. I am exactly where God needs me to be and I trust Him.

This journey has not been easy. It has been vary painful and challenging and at times there have been situations in my past I did not want to look at or deal with. I did anyway. I am glad I did.

On that note, Sunday I will be going to my cousin’s jack & jill bridal shower. Both of my abusers will be there. I do suspect this is bringing up some serious triggers for me. I have set a boundary to not allow any communication with them or DARE to allow them to hug me and say hello. (This boundary did not work too well for me last August at my Granpa’s funeral). Ha, this is a good chance to exercise some of that empowerment I feel. I feel I am going in this situation alone. Well Sunday is still a few days away, no need to fret over it today.

 

I will end this post off with some AWESOME news!!! Friends, my book will be in the process of editing and printing starting today!!! It should be ready and out in book stores in about three months!! Thanks to my family, so many good friends and my mom who helped make this possible. God is soooo good to me!! Also, I have finished my school course, the last assignment is going i today. These have been two major goals I set for myself this year and by God’s loving grace, He and I have achieved them both!!

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Thanks for reading. Thanks for your support and listening ears.

 

 

What a Weekend!

Oh friends, what an awesome weekend I had!! I had my first slumber party. I felt like a kid again. No better way to nurture your inner child, having friends over and being silly. Delia and her daughter Mckenzie came over for he night. Delia and I have been friends for almost nine years. She knows so much about me and well, she’s still here!! hahahaha.

People, let me tell you, I can barely make it to stay up to 10:00pm!! So when I decided to have a sleepover I started to get worried that I wouldn’t be able to stay awake. We STAYED UP UNTIL 5AM!!! We painted our nails, ate enough food to feed an army and stuffed ourselves with junk food in the forms of gummy bears, chocolate, chips and heck, I don’t even know what else. We had a camp fire and roasted hot dogs and made s’mores. We painted our nails and listened to old “80’s music. They secretly video taped me dancing and being silly to my daughter Bekah. Yeah, I don’t think I’ll post that video, it is quite silly. We then ended the night by watching movies.  We were awake again by 7am. Yuck. I think the last time I went without sleep like that was when my kids were infants, and that was a long time ago.

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The photos above are of some of the food we ate, McKenzie (Delia’s daughter) and me, Bekah (my youngest daughter) painting Delia’s nails and what mine and Delia’s fingernails looked like after Bekah got through with them :)

I was thinking about the weekend this morning and how blessed I feel. It’s very ironic because, Delia never had sleep overs when she was younger either. She didn’t because she was often bullied as a child and she never did establish any close friendships. The irony here is, I use to be a bully growing up. Looking at me today you’d probably think, this pip squeek was a bully???!! Yup, I guess it doesn’t matter what size you are, it all depends on the “bite”. Delia and I lived in the same area growing up and she brought her kids to the Day Care where I was working and we never met. Our children went to the same school and they were even in the same class, and we never met. It wasn’t until nine years ago that God saw fit for our paths to cross.  We were talking about this on Saturday and how funny it was how all of this worked out. AND, how crazy it is that she was bullied and I was a bully. It’s a good thing God kept her away from me, if He hadn’t, I may have been really awful to her and we would not be best friends today. PHEW!! Thank God knows what He’s doing. (hehehe)I tell you, I learn a lot from her. I am so grateful to have her in my life. She is a very good spiritual guide for me and I can discuss anything with her because we both share the same faith and look to God for guidance in challenges. She helps me stay focused on that when I seem to be getting a little nutso  :)

Me and Del

Delia, thanks for a great time! Love you girlie!!  :D

More than We can Ask or Imagine

Christina Lane- teen mom to teens:

This post was perfect for me today :)
Thanks Trinity and Humanity for posting it. Excellent.

Originally posted on Trinity and Humanity:

Trinity FlameMy favorite concluding sentence for morning prayer has become the one based on Ephesians 3:20-21. It says:

Glory to God whose power, working in us, can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine: Glory to him from generation to generation in the Church, and in Christ Jesus for ever and ever. Amen. (The Book of Common Prayer, pg. 102.)

When I first started using the daily offices some years ago, I shied away from this concluding sentence because of that phrase in the middle “more than we can ask or imagine.” When I read that part I sometimes thought, “Father, you often seem to do less than I can imagine, why should I believe that you can do more?” After all, we have all had many experiences with unanswered prayer or prayers that were answered with a firm “no”.

A few months back I began to meditate on…

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A Gift just for Me.

 

God delivered me a beautiful gift today.                   me gift

Went over to my parent’s place today for a visit. They don’t live too far from me. I usually feel apprehensive about going over to visit because I don’t like how I feel when I’m there. Before I get there I say the serenity prayer and surrender my feelings over to God before heading in.

To my surprise one of my siblings and my niece was over. I had a very nice visit with them :)

The gift I received today was nothing that came in a box or that could be bought at the store or wrapped up.

I was sitting at the kitchen table chatting with my niece and my dad came over and put his arm around me. He put his other arm around me and hugged me tight. I reached back and hugged him back. I HUGGED HIM BACK!!  Friends, me and affection do not mix. Especially when it comes to my family of origin. I dislike to hug or show any type of loving affection to any of them and I especially despise any towards me. I avoid it at all costs. It makes me feel disgusted, dirty, shameful and brings up a lot of anger in me. My husband does not like this. The boundary for him is, he is NOT to go anywhere near me when we are around family. Do not hug me, kiss me or show me ANY type of niceness or affection. This is a BIG no no. But it is my boundary. Maybe I will move it one day but for now, it is in place.

Anyways, back to my gift. I allowed myself to receive the hug from my dad. I could feel myself melt into the hug. I felt the warmth and the safety of his hug. I allowed myself to reach back and hug my dad. I held onto his arms. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and just abandoned myself. I felt like a little girl. I felt safe. Safe.  This felt good. It felt so comforting. My eyes filled with tears but I did not dare allow those to fall from my eyes.  I can feel the emotion welling up inside me as I write this post. It was a beautiful feeling.

The beauty behind this is, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and accept the embrace. I put down my defenses and let it in. I surrendered. surrendered.

Friends, it  was a very beautiful thing I experienced this afternoon. A warm loving hug. No strings attached. Just for nothing. A hug just for being me. Had I not allowed the embrace or if I clammed up or moved away, it would have been a gift I would have missed out on.  I don’t know what made it different for me this time, or why I chose to allow this love in, all I know right now is that, I had a wonderful hug from my dad and I enjoyed it.

dad2Thanks for reading.

 

More Than I Could Imagine :D

What I have endured and experienced has opened new doors for me I never thought possible. The blessings I have received with writing and sharing through this blog page are overwhelming.

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The trick to all of this has been by,  sharing my experiences, and how those experiences have connected me with others. Some may have endured childhood sexual abuse therefore we can relate to each other, some are teen moms therefore we can relate to one another. Heck from one mom to another we can relate. From a wife’s perspective to another, we are able to relate. And if we go deeper, from one human being to another, honestly sharing, we relate. The gift here has been the openness I have expressed and the willingness of all of you who take your time to read. By all of us working together, we have created healing and relationship and connection between all of us. And friends, this connection is all over the world!! I have seen stats from Poland, Zimbabwe, China, France, Tunzia!! We are all connected through reading and sharing in feelings through my life’s experiences.images-1

I know what I have risen above was not for nothing. God had better plans for me. He knew one day I would be right here, right now sharing with you that, no matter what, no matter what has ever happened to you, YOU will rise above it. YOU will come out on the other side better than you started, YOU will find others who can relate to your challenges and by this, healing and restoration comes. You see my friends, it is in giving it away that we receive the incredible gifts. I resolved long ago that, I have a past, my past does not have me!! Friends, don’t allow what happened or what you may have done, hold you in bondage any longer. We, all of us together, make each other better. We offer a part of healing for one another by sharing our pain and knowing we are not alone.

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Thanks for reading and God bless you!!

Don’t Call Me Ma’am

Christina Lane- teen mom to teens:

I came across this post. I laughed out loud as I read it. It is very funny. Well, I think so anyways :)

Originally posted on Kristen Hansen Brakeman:

MA'AMWORKING

(Post Featured on Freshly Pressed!)

There is a single word in the English language that has the power to ruin my whole day.  That word is Ma’am.

I could be having a perfectly fine day – a great day even – the kind of day where my car starts on the first try, my kids get off to school without a ton of screaming and, when I check myself in the mirror I actually think, “Hey, I don’t look half bad.”

Then I stop by the local coffee place and the hipster barista dude, the one who wears the gross earring gauges, hands me my non-fat latte and says, “Here you go, Ma’am.”

Ah, come on.  Really?  Did you have to?

Of course I politely say “Thank you,” back to the little whippersnapper, but in my head I’ve added a very irritated, “Don’t call me Ma’am, d#$%khead.”

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About Me.

So I’ve been procrastinating BIG time on finishing my last assignment for school. I’ve been playing on the computer and checking out my Facebook and Twitter accounts. To be honest, it’s not something I enjoy doing at all. Well, ok maybe sometimes. Ummm, no not really. :)

After checking all that stuff, I decided to reply to some comments made to some of my posts here on my blog site and I got to thinking. I really don’t have  a post just about me. I have posts explaining things about me, my life, my challenges , my experiences etc… but nothing just about me. Now I ask myself, what is it About Me that I want to share? That my friends is a very good question for me.

Alright, lets start with my name. My name is Christina Lane. I never liked writing it or hearing it for years! I cringed at the very sound of my name. Not anymore :)

I’m 37 years old and I feel like a teenager. I have lots of energy, most days, and I enjoy horsing around with kids and having fun. I LOVE to dance (yes kids, it’s dancing). I love to take nature walks and bird watch. I love to be outdoors and I love to garden. I also love to sing with my music. Now I will be honest here, my singing could use some serious work. haha

I love, absolutely love, having my alone time with God every morning. It’s one of my favourite parts of the day.

I love to have my house filled with lots of bouquets of flowers. My favourite flowers are the mums type and daisy type.

I love walking my dog and I love my cats and treat them as my little kiddies. My favourite colour is blue.

Foods I love to enjoy (nowadays), are pasta, pizza and salads of all kinds, soups and last night I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner of breaded chicken cutlets, mashed potatoes with gravy, string beans and a salad.

I do love spending time with my family. Family time together is so very important to me and it helps me to stay connected to my kids.

I started writing this blog three months ago because I felt it was no longer time to hide and to face many demons I had. My isolation over the years has stopped me from doing things I love. I decided and felt God tell me in my heart that I am not alone and my experiences can help bring healing to others and let others know, that we can overcome anything. It has also been something just for me. Pretty much all my life has been doing for others and being a mom or wife. My blog is just mine. Something that I do just for me. :)

I believe there is a lot more to me than just what I wrote and I will tell you, God has a lot more coming my way for me :)

So, I guess with that, I’ll finish this up and get to work on my studies.

Thanks for reading. Hope you’re day is filled with God’s favor.

 

My Voice was lost.

Wanted to share this. I got this from another fellow Survivor such as myself :)

What is the first thing that we lose when impacted by the trauma of sexual abuse? Innocence?  Physical state? Emotional well-being? I believe it is our voice with the fear of telling someone that a horrible event has taken place in our life. We lose our voice with the fear that no one will believe what we have to say. We lose our voice with the belief that those we tell will act out in rage. we lose our voice with the belief that it was our fault and that we will hurt others even the one who has brought the horror into our life. We lose our voice with the belief that we are the only one that this has happened to and therefore we are alone. We lose our voice because we cannot find the words to describe the incomprehensible that has been exacted upon us. We lose our voice because we are told to tell no one- this is our secret and we believe we are the keepers of this secret, no matter how unbearable the weight.

*Transforming Trauma into Triumph: The Power of Voice By Arthur Lockhart.

 

 

 

Not Again!! Not Again!! Not, Again!!

It’s Saturday afternoon. Not a good start to the weekend.

I can not begin to tell how you how, when not addressed or dealt with, the effects of Childhood Trauma permeates our lives and relationships. It seethes through every fiber of our being if left unattended, it rears it’s ugly head when threatened or when not feeling safe in horrible ways. It lashes out to loved ones, it hurts and uses cutting words to under mind and tear down other human beings. It causes pain and affliction to the sufferer and those around them. It pours out into others in the vicinity. It wreaks havoc in marriages and families. It causes chaos and trauma and continued conflict. Why? Why? Why? This is what I ask myself. Why. With such resources and help available, why does it, do we continue to run back to our old ways? What is the  piece we are missing??? Could it be that one person is too prideful? Could it be that the other is too afraid of being hurt or vulnerable? Could it be we are just not willing to break the chains of the past and move forward? To love? It could be any of these or all of them.

All I know is that, when not dealt with, we manage to re-create Childhood trauma in our loved one’s. We open up that wound again when it is in the process of healing and subject that person to re-live the horror of what has happened to them. What makes it worse is that there is an awareness that both partners know of this trauma and they both know what needs to be done in order to help one another heal. Sadly, we get in the way. We refuse to walk across to meet the other half way. We allow our hurt, ego and pride to take over.

For me today friends, I allowed myself to be consumed by my nasty rage. How I feel afterwards, must be like an addict feels after sucoming to their substance or behaviour of choice. Guilt, shame and horrible regret. I blew it for myself, for my relationships. I know the consequences to bad behaviour in relationships. Lost trust, loss of safety and damaged connection. Back to hour one of sobriety from rage. This has been the longest I went too (three months). Sad. How did this happen? I can tell you, I was not leaning on the Big Guy for my support. I turned to earthly things. I turned inward to myself. Today has been, more of me less of Him. Something I despise.

There are two people who this apology goes out to, you both know who you are.

I am very sorry for my behaviour. For my choice of words, for my name calling. For my actions towards you that trigger feelings of unworthiness and  bring up feelings of,what you do is never good enough. I am sorry for not facing this situation with love and understanding. I am sorry for subjecting you to chaos and trauma and conflict. I am sorry for not having a better sense of self control today. I ask for your forgiveness.

 

 

 

I’ve been Nominated?! :D

Good day my friends. Last week I was nominated for a Liebster Award from a fellow blogger, Love Protection. I was not sure how to go about accepting this nominee so I kinda just left it. Well, this morning, I was cleaning up and praying asking God to give me some ideas to share as I have been feeling my well is dry. So I come onto my site and I was scrolling through some comments and here I am :)

Okay, so here it is. From what I have read, accepting this nominee goes as follows. Once you’ve been nominated, there are 11 questions the blogger asks you to answer. After that, I choose 11 people to nominate and come up with 11 questions for them.

Okie dokie, friends, here are the questions and my answers:

What is the last interesting dream you’ve had that you remember? The last interesting dream I remember was a few years ago, I had a nicotine patch accidentally stuck to my elbow and I had vivid nightmares of very large Golden Retriever dogs running in and out of our mini van. (This is another story I will share later) haha Weird I know.

What is the last good book you have read? The last good book I read was, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. (and my bible every morning ;)).

What one piece of advice would you give your past self? One piece I would give my past self would be. Always remember how amazing you are, how beautiful you are and what a gift from God you. You will make it. (I know that’s more than 1).

What actor/actress would play you in a movie about your life? I would choose Mandy Moore.

What is one goal you want to carry out this year? One goal I want to carry out this year is to have my book published.

If you could win an unlimited supply of something besides money what would you want? Ooo, good question. Cat food is coming to mind. hahahaha. Yeah, I’d say cat food and groceries so I could have a soup kitchen and foster more homeless animals.

What motivates you? The things that motivate me are, knowing God has an amazing plan for my life. I also get motivated when I get one step closer to any goal I have set.

What is something you are an expert on? I can’t say I’m an expert at anything as I feel I’m constantly learning and will not reach a plateau of expertise.

What is the story behind your first break up? Ooo yuck. Don’t care for this question too much. My life was drastically changing as I was becoming a mom and my partner didn’t have the support or the willingness to step up to the plate.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? I have two for this one. First, when it’s my kids birthday’s I wait until they go to bed and then we decorate the house with balloons, streamers and whatever else we find so when they wake up it’s a decorated house just for them. (We still do this and the kids are almost adults, well ok, one is already). Second, the family and friends visits around the holidays. Christmas day especially. I love waking up and opening gifts and making dinner and spending the whole day with my family playing games etc…

What would you like to take a class on or go back to school for if you could? I like this question. I have gone back to school, I’m coming to the end of my course on Addiction Care Work. I would also like to take some ballroom dancing classes :)

Now I get to choose 11 fellow bloggers for this and create my own 11 questions for them :)

My 11 Blogger Nominees are:

- An Anoynmous Blogger’s site

-Nanny_cool

-Fed Up of The Crazy

-In Your Corner

- Fortheloveoffamily2

-Serendipity

-**Lost In Porn Blog** (Now Recovering)

- (that’s me) In the Corner

- Angelo and Aset

- The Truth Set Us Free

My 11 questions for these fellow bloggers: 

*If you could go back in time to change anything, what would it be?

*What was the funniest (clean) joke you’ve ever heard?

*If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

*If you were granted one wish, what would it be?

*What are you most proud of about yourself?

*What are three amazing qualities you have? 

*When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?

*When was the last time you did something nice for someone else without them knowing?

*Do you make lists or keep a journal?

*Do you have a Higher Power?

*What was your greatest day ever thus far?

Thanks goes out to my fellow blogger Love Protection for reading my posts and nominating me for this. I am very grateful :)

Thanks to all of you for reading. God bless :D