Good morning friends.
Went to group therapy with my husband last night. Gosh, what a session. My nasty came out. I lashed out at the group and was going to leave. I felt misunderstood and not heard. I felt the crazy in me coming back. This feeling is not good for me, or anyone else for that matter. It really brings out my defense mechanisms.
One blessing that did arise from the situation last night, there’s always a gift God gives me in ugly situations, is the courage I had to stand up for myself. Being sexually abused as a child, the courage to stand up for one’s self usually gets lost. Last night, there was an anger inside me that I could not contain anymore. I had had enough. Unless a person is familiar with what happens to a child with such abuse and what needs to happen in order for the Survivor to heal, this type of behaviour is seen as rude, not loving, self-centered and whatever else one may think. For me, I feel empowered. I feel good for myself. I feel I am finally able to protect myself and look out for my best interests. I feel like I am worth it and I WILL take care of myself. God doesn’t allow these types of situations for nothing. I have been praying over the past few days for God to open my eyes to see where I still need growth. I should know that when I pray for such a thing, He will show me exactly what needs to be changed. All the while I think about my growth and godliness in a sense of how I am towards others, I never stop to think that God is showing me how I am towards myself. After all, He says, love your neighbour as you love yourself. If I’m not fully loving on myself and respecting who God created me to be, I am then unable to deliver that love to others. It will only be as good of love as I can give to myself.
With that, I will say to myself, I AM OK. It is ok to stand up for myself and if anyone gets offended with that or has a hard time accepting where I am at in my journey, that is there issue. I need not worry about what others think. My journey is my own. I am exactly where God needs me to be and I trust Him.
This journey has not been easy. It has been vary painful and challenging and at times there have been situations in my past I did not want to look at or deal with. I did anyway. I am glad I did.
On that note, Sunday I will be going to my cousin’s jack & jill bridal shower. Both of my abusers will be there. I do suspect this is bringing up some serious triggers for me. I have set a boundary to not allow any communication with them or DARE to allow them to hug me and say hello. (This boundary did not work too well for me last August at my Granpa’s funeral). Ha, this is a good chance to exercise some of that empowerment I feel. I feel I am going in this situation alone. Well Sunday is still a few days away, no need to fret over it today.
I will end this post off with some AWESOME news!!! Friends, my book will be in the process of editing and printing starting today!!! It should be ready and out in book stores in about three months!! Thanks to my family, so many good friends and my mom who helped make this possible. God is soooo good to me!! Also, I have finished my school course, the last assignment is going i today. These have been two major goals I set for myself this year and by God’s loving grace, He and I have achieved them both!!
Thanks for reading. Thanks for your support and listening ears.