WOW, what a week! (ok, 12 days) ;)

Hello, hello, hello my friends!! Wow, it’s been quite a few days since I posted anything on my blog page. (I believe 12 days! )

Let me share what’s been keeping me so busy. So in the past week and a bit, I have had the awesome pleasure of visiting with my niece from Calgary. She came to Toronto for a visit and contacted us through facebook (good o’l facebook).  We hadn’t seen each other in over seven years, yes, seven years! It was a very long overdue visit. I’m going to post some pictures of us all heading out to the beach for the day only to find out the beach was closed off sue to the storms we had. So we drove her and the kids around for about ten hours in the car with a couple of pit stops for dinner and a coffee break. We had just the one day to be together. It was so amazing to be with her. So here’s a couple of pictures: She’s the one on the right. The rest is me and my family, except for Alex my son who was working. And as you can see Oliver my dog, a.k.a. Shadow got in a picture too :) (We had our daughters boyfriends with us as well :))

Danielle 1 Danielle 2 Danielle 3

 

So after this fun day, the week started off with my other niece and nephew coming over to spend the day. Well friends, the day turned into one awesome slumber party week!! What a blast I’ve had with the kids. We went to parks, made homemade pizza, stayed up late (which by the way has been catching up with me, I guess I’m not as young as I think LOL), and visiting the local farm. We walked and walked and walked. We went swimming and had a really great week. I’m going to post some pics of these times too. There’s one picture where I’m sitting on a very large tree branch and my niece came over to bounce me up and down on it, we laughed so hard. As she was bouncing me up and down my daughter Rebekah says, “Mom, there’s a man sitting on the branch”, we look over and there was this man getting bounced around too!! The three of us laughed so hard and we tried to apologize through our laughter. He was a great sport about it. Okie dokes, here’s some pics:

                 Emily 1 Emily 2 Joshua 1 Park 1                                                                 Us park 1 Us park 2 Emily sleeping 1

You know, I gotta tell ya, I enjoy being and spending time with these kids. My kids are getting older and we do different things together now. Getting back to the “young” playful things has been so good for my heart and mind. I realize being a teen mom, I have missed out on many “kid” things to do growing up. God has graciously given me many opportunities to nurture my inner child through my kids and nieces and nephew. It’s been a great week. Hey guess what?! We’re doing it again this week but their mom, my sister, has said “no sleepovers”. Awwwww mooooooommmmm! (Party pooper;)).

Hope you all have a great week and find something fun to do to nurture your little inner child :D

Thanks for reading!

Consistent Parenting? Umm…

Hey friends, it’s been awhile since I wrote a post. I’ve been in the “blah” mode. Well, enough of that! :D

The other night, Actually let me back up to last week.  Last Tuesday my youngest daughter shared openly with my some issues she has been struggling with. So much has come out and let me tell you, how amazing God has been through this. I was able to listen and be loving and provide support. With the few things she shared with me, I was able to relate and provide feedback from my own personal experiences. It was a beautiful stepping stone in nurturing our relationship. I felt proud of myself that I was able to do this by Gods grace. I was also very grateful that my daughter admitted her issues and has accepted help to deal with them and receive outside help. THIS IS AMAZING!!

Well friends, this past Monday was a different story in parenting.

Monday,  my daughter was out. When she was on her way home she called to let me know she was on her way. During her journey home, which was an hour away, I tried to get in touch with her. For one hour I called and text her. I received no reply. At first I was getting very bothered and irritated and then to total anger. Where on earth was she and why is she not answering my calls? You see, it became all about me. Needless to say my texts became more aggressive. Finally, (after I contacted the mum driving her home informed me she fell asleep) she got in touch with me. When she arrived home my anger and frustration was already over board. She came in apologizing and gave me her explanation of what had happened. That was not good enough for me. I ranted. She went to bed.

After a few minutes she came down and asked if she could sleep in my room. I said in a huff and puff, “fine”.  We had a camp out. During this time she says, “mom I’m scared, can I put a movie on?” Oh heavens!! I went on a rant again about how cannot possibly sleep with the t.v. on and blah blah blah… I laced in to her about what thought she should be doing and yadda yadda yadda. Poor child, she lied there starring at me.  after that nonsense, she says to me, “hey mom, do you remember that time I came in your room when I was scared and you said I couldn’t sleep in your bed because Oliver was sleeping in it?” (Oliver, our family dog).  I turned over and looked at her. I felt horrible.

You see,  our daughter was always frightened at night and use to crawl in with us. One particular night when she was younger she came in crying that she was scared, I flat out told her she could not possibly sleep in our bed because the dog was sleeping with us. After much pleading I said she could crawl in at the end. After a couple of minutes my husband says out loud, “God forbid we move the dog so our petrified daughter could sleep with us”. We shooed the dog out and moved our daughter up between us. We did laugh for about an hour about the craziness of the situation. I apologized endlessly to my daughter.

So what made it that from one week to the next I was able to provide loving nurturing parenting and then not? I realized today, after talking with God and reading and journaling, over the past few weeks I have been very consumed within my own little world. What’s happening with me? What’s going on in my life? What will do? And so on and so on. When this happens, we are unable to put our feet in other people’s shoes and have compassion. It then becomes all about injustice to one’s self and “fairness” to one’s self. Friends, I see this. I couldn’t understand why I have been unable to hear God’s voice and feel Him. I am so full of self and not enough Him. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing or not doing, what matters is what I am doing. I cannot parent lovingly when it’s about me. I cannot be a good friend when it’s about me. I cannot be a good spouse when it’s about me. Me, me, me. The major road block to peace, serenity and LOVE. Love, God’s love.  Now please don’t get me wrong, I am all for self care and taking care and nurturing yourself. There must be balance. There’s an imaginary line that can and does, get crossed and we must be aware of it. For it is when we  pass that line, it becomes all about me. I am here to show God’s love, to let it flow out of me to others. To show what God has done in my life. To love on those who are hard to love, for that’s true love. God’s love.

So how do I stay in balance? I don’t always. Some days are better than others as you read above. ;)

One day at a time we go. In my opinion, connecting one on one with God through His word is one of the antidotes to staying out of self. Next, for me, I need to get proper nutrition, exercise and rest.  to be honest, through my me me me stage, I have been having eating difficulties creeping up on me. Depending what I do during the day, I will then “reward” myself with a meal. Sickening. I do not and WILL NOT go back to that. Thanks be to God for intervening and bringing to light the road block in me. Me.

Okie dokie friends, I’m off to do something nice for God today. And as I go about today, just for today, I choose God’s love. That 1Corinthians 13:4-8 love.

May God help me and go before me today :D

Blessings to you my dear friends.

In Between

I’m out for a walk with Oliver my dog and we’ve found ourselves at the park. Usually I hustle and power walk my way with him following closely behind me. Today is different. I’ve plopped myself down on the bench, took off his leash and he’s puttering around happily. I’m taking in the sounds, sights and the feel of the moment. I’ve been unable to be in the moment of my days and connect with God, myself and nature for the past few days.

I have really been off track lately. I’m having some trouble understanding a lot of things and I’m unable to see or hear Gods will for my life. I feel I am at an “in between” stage of my life and honestly, I don’t like it. How does one deal with being in the “in between” stage? Patience. Trust. Willingness to just be. Am I able to do this these days? Truthfully, some days are better than others. Today is not one of those better days.
As each day passes I’m seem to be “slipping” in the ditch. Today I feel anger, frustration and disappointment. And I’m sick and tired of the challenges. Today I don’t feel like being positive. I don’t feel like writing a gratitude list. I don’t feel like praying. I don’t feel like anything. I feel empty. Vacant.
What am I doing about this in between stage I’m in? Today I can tell you, I’m fighting the self pity. I’m fighting the crazy voices in my head. I’m trying to stay afloat today.

I am trying to come to a place of acceptance.

I know when I’m struggling with my inability to accept life on life’s terms, I struggle. When I struggle with the if only’s and/or the thoughts of what could’ve been’s or the dreaded why’s, I struggle. The question is then, if I know this, why am I in this place? I couldn’t tell you for the life of me. I guess it’s “me” trying to hang on, hoping, wishing, looking for some “normal”. It’s my heart and head in battle.  I am struggling with the reality. You see, I “gave up” my coping mechanism of denial a long while back. God has been gracious to have opened my eyes to many things. My old me is somehow wanting to take it back.

I can go on and on and get on a really pity pot but I will not. I will get my butt off this bench and finish walking the dog, (not that it looks like he wants to get up off the grass and move).

Anyway friends, I am where I am and I’m too full of me. Ugh. I will accept that today and move on. I will continue to trust that God is working in my favor. I will just for today, just for today, go one minute at a time.

Here’s Oliver, relaxing and just being. (Maybe it would be a good idea to take some pointers from him)  ;)

Ollie 1                    Ollie 2

Always Enough

When I look to someone, something or some place to fill my void Lord, may I remember to look to You, for, You and You alone are always enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbVa-zb75EA

An Update

Hey my blogger friends, hope you’re all doing well :D

Thought I’d catch you up on what is going on with the confrontation of my abusers. It’s been an interesting ride. Well, to be honest, a little mental draining for me only because I needed to re-visit the incidents. So, to get those of you who may not know what I’m talking about, up to speed, I’ll re-cap. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I have finally, after much trauma work and healing, confronted both my abusers who are family members. I did this by calling and leaving messages for these two individuals and when I received no call back (no surprise) I proceeded with writing them a letter. That was a few weeks ago.  Oh gosh, it actually exhausts me replaying this situation.

Ok, to get you up to speed, there is much denial and the families have come against me with much gossip and nonsense. From there, I have been in contact with the Investigative Unit and have shared my story. This is a very serious matter. I don’t think my abusers realize how serious this is. The sad part about this is (and I feel compassion for my abusers, yes I feel compassion), is that, their families took those letters that were meant for them and them alone and shared it with family members and  exposed the both of them. Their families went on to call other family members that knew nothing about this and shared what was happening. When I heard this I felt very badly for them because this is THEIR story, not their families. It would have been up to them to contact me or if they wanted to, share this with their spouses and families. That is my opinion. So for me, I have prayed for them and have had empathy towards them for how their own families exposed them to everyone. Sad.

Ok, back to speaking with the investigative unit. I have held off on pressing charges for now.  The investigative unit is adamant about moving forward with getting my statement and pressing charges. To be honest friends, I had still been minimizing the severity of this abuse. It is a serious matter. So as it stands now, I am choosing to give my abusers some time to digest this and come to a place of dealing with it.The whole purpose of me confronting my abusers was healing for me. I have come to a place by Gods grace of forgiveness and acceptance. Confronting both my abusers has been like freeing myself and, I owed it to myself. Years of torment, hurt and pain has come to an end. It has brought tremendous healing for me. I can only hope my abusers, who are children of God, find peace within themselves and come to terms with their actions and start to heal.

And with that, I’ll keep you posted if anything else arises :)

As always thank you to all of you who continue to journey with me and offer such support. Blessings to you **smooches** ;)

I’m heading out to walk the dog. Ciao for now!