Humble Pie Anyone? Why, Thank You, Just What I Needed

This past Saturday started off lovely. Everyone woke up cheery and happy, Rob and Corinne were off to a weekend of First Aid & CPR training and I was going to enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning.

The day progressed and Rebekah and I were getting ready to go out to pick up a few things because later that evening we were going to have company over for dinner. Before heading out to the store I remembered I needed to do some banking. Onto my online banking I went. To my utter dismay I saw some finances that were not right! I became enraged!! My temper went from 0 to 1000 in about two seconds. Without any hesitation at all, I got on my phone and sent about five text messages to my husband (at his first aid course) and reamed him out over text. Friends, I even used a swear word. Twice. And if five nasty texts messages asking, oh no no no, not asking, assuming that he misplaced, ehhemmm, used the money for no good, I went off on him again. It didn’t take long for him to call me, when in turn I declined his calls. In desperation he tried our daughters phone to get a hold of me. Now let me tell you, I had two other kids home with me that day and they witnessed mom’s temporary insanity once again. Long story short, I got on the phone to yell at him. He said, “Chris, I did not take that money I suggest you call the bank and find out what happened”. My response? “You bet I’m going to call and then we will settle this once and for all”.

I called the bank.

The nice lady over the phone explained to me that a bill payment was made earlier that week from that account. She then proceeded to tell me when and with whose card.

It was mine.

Memory came back to me to the day I made the payment. I realized that as I picked an account to make a payment, I, I picked the wrong account. I USED THE MONEY!!!!  As I was still speaking to this woman from the bank whom I do not know from Adam, I started in with my usual, “OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!!!”  I then said to her, “this is not good, not good at all” She had no clue what on earth I was talking about. Of course not, she’s doesn’t know the crazy that can happen in my head! (hahaha)

As I got off the phone Rebekah looks at me and says, “Mom, before we go anywhere, you need to call dad and apologize” I say, “I don’t want to”. She says, “oh yes, you need to”. With a mouth full of humble pie, I dial Rob’s number. ring, ring, ring. Oh Thank God, no answer, I can just leave a message. I left an apology message.

Oh friends, let me tell you how terrible I felt. I felt so bad. I said things that were horrible. I thought very ill of him. I jumped on board with what I perceived as what happened without asking and not giving him a chance to defend or explain himself.

I must say, Rob is very quick to forgive and let things go. He is also very humble. Unlike me when it comes to him. I put on this suit of armor that not even an atomic bomb could penetrate.  He simply said, “I accept your apology and please Chris, talk to me. Ask me before assuming things” He also said, “I understand with my past and I don’t blame you for thinking things like that”.

I guess The Good Lord felt it was time for a  lesson in humility for me. What have I learned from this situation? Stop and pray before reacting. Ask questions and TALK about these things. It’s funny because just last week I was chairing a meeting and I shared a bit of where I was at at that moment and I confidently shared how I was able to respond to life rather than react to it.  Ha. Ha.

Well my dear friends, that’s all I have for now. I’m going to get back to my humble pie now. Mmmmm. ;)

God’s Will, Not Mine Be Done

Good fabulous morning friends :D

It’s a quiet morning here in the Lane household. It’s 9:16am and I am still in my pj’s. Yup, I decided to stay in my pj’s this morning and have my coffee and take some time for myself to sit at the computer and connect with you through this blog post. Sheesh it’s been a while since I wrote a post. I am very glad to be typing away this morning ;)

I follow a few blogs myself. It is great to read other people’s experiences. One blog I follow has really touched my heart. I actually just read over one of her posts again. It really touched my heart. It actually made me think and try to put myself in her shoes and feel her pain. This woman is an awesome mom. She’s so sweet and nice. She has a little boy who is beyond adorable! Their conversations together are priceless and so relationship building. It’s really beautiful to read. Anyway, she is hoping to have another child and this has brought some challenges for her.  Her heart aches.

I stopped to think how blessed I am to have my three kids. At first when I got pregnant I was shocked and felt angry at God for “doing this to me”. Not only did it happen once but twice before marriage! I could not understand this sick “joke” God was playing on me. As time passed and I grew and molded into a role where I felt alive I understood God used this to save my life, save me from myself. There’s no understanding or trying to figure out why God does or doesn’t do the things He does. Why He allows some one like me, the way I was many moons ago, to have three amazing children and not allow for this awesome mom to have another child (yet). We can try to fight with nature, pray until we have no prayers left or beg uncontrollably for things to be the way we want them but unless God says “Yes”, it will not be so.

How, when our hearts ache so much, when we cannot possibly understand the “whys”,  do we accept God’s Will for our life at the moment we are in? For me friends it has been a lot of letting my hurt, pain and wants go. Surrendering them into my Heavenly Fathers Hands and here’s the tricky part, leaving them there for Him to take care of. It has been in these moments of my life I have grown spiritually and my faith has grown. It’s in these trying times, trust in God has grown and my relationship with Him has become closer. I have come to know that God will “grow” us up in the situations that hurt the most. He will use these areas to transform our hearts into hearts for Him. And friends, with my experience, when I have learned acceptance of Gods Will and God’s time, everything in my life falls into place.  Yes, this requires patience. Remember my dear friends, God gave us patience already, these trying times is where He requires us to tap into that patience and exercise it. No, not fun, not fun at all. But, it is so worth it and the incredible growth we get from it is unreal!

So the question remains, why does God bless some with what they don’t plan to have and not bless others with what they want so bad they can taste it? No one will ever know. God knows why and that’s what matters. God’s Word states numerous times that His plans for us are never to harm us. They are to grow us spiritually.

Check Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares The Lord, plans to prosper you not harm you. Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 (lots to read here, very good none the less). Isaiah 40;31 They that wait upon The Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles… (one of my personal favs). Isaiah 58:11 And The Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul…

Oh friends I can go on and on with Gods promises for us. We need to remember these promises are for ALL of us. When He says yes, we will know and be ready.

Whatever you are waiting for or hoping for, be at rest God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. He loves us so much. Rest in Him awhile and ask Him what you can do to grow in Him and focus your eyes to Him. And most of all, pray for your own willingness to accept what is and stay in faith that God is really working in your life. I have experienced His wonders and greatness but I also needed to work along side Him to get to it.

Take one moment at a time, surrender self and your wants today to Him who loves, adores and wants nothing but the best for us.

Thanks for reading and for all your support. Sending you all a BIG hug and so much love as brothers and sisters in Christ. After all friends, we have the same Daddy-O!! Woot Woot!! :D

Forgiveness? Acceptance? Maturity?

Spoke to my mom on the phone today for quite some time, we shared in some good laughter and some serious conversation.  After we got off the phone, I got to really thinking and reflecting on  how I treat my mother and our relationship. I wasn’t too happy or pleased with the lack of respect I give to the woman who gave birth to me nor the fact that I can still see how I tend to isolate from my family of origin and from doing my part in nurturing this mother daughter relationship.  I did stop and give thanks to God for the relationship I have with my own children. I am very grateful my kids spend time with me and enjoy my company as well as having our own special “things” we do together.

Anyways, back to my mom. I did need to come to terms with many things in my life and offer forgiveness and also accept life on life’s terms and how situations went. I also have matured to see and understand many more reasoning’s behind the situations in our lives. My mom had a very challenging life, she too grew up in a family seething with addictions of many kinds.  I was no bowl of cherries either. I caused her much grief growing up and she tolerated it all.  Not only did she tolerate it, she was the one who had my back when I was pregnant with my first child. No one dared said a word about my situation, she would have chewed them up and spit them out, (I get this fiestiness from her ;)). Through the embarrassment she must have felt walking along the streets with me or having to tell all our family of what I had done at sixteen years old, didn’t show at all. She held her head high. If I felt a craving, she went out and provided the food. When I was ill, she took care of me. She bought me all my maternity clothes.  When my son’s biological fathers family gave me a hard time, she was right there to give them a piece of her mind. When my son was born, she provided so much for him. She bought him diapers, clothing, food and toys. She spent many hours rocking him to sleep, she taught me the best she could how to raise a baby. She was there for me all the time. Yes we had our differences but never once did she drop me like a sack of potatoes. She carried on, sacrificing herself and her life for my irresponsibility.

When I opened the can of worms to deal with my childhood sexual abuse, I lashed out at my mom. I yelled at her and I said some not very nice things. We didn’t speak for many months after that. During that time I went to work full force on cleaning up the mess in my life caused by the hands of my perpetrators. Months after as I grew emotionally, mentally and spiritually,  I was able to forgive the past. Forgive my mom and understand that my mom went through hell too. I have been able to offer grace just as Jesus offers me.  I am better able to understand that we all do the best we can with what we have.

A few months ago I confronted my abusers. This of course did not go well and as I mentioned in a previous post my parents were attacked over it. Especially my mom. Well the good thing here was, my mom had my back. She stood up for me and protected me. She was better equipped by the grace of God to face the situation now and the families of my perpetrators. To this day, her and my dad offer the support I need for this. I’m grateful.

This weekend is thanksgiving for us here in Canada. I’m looking forward to all the yummy food we will be cooking and sharing together. I am also very grateful that my mom taught me to cook very well and in turn I have been able to pass on the gift to my own kids.

It’s an amazing thing when you finally grow up. Life is just better. Life and life’s situations are easier to handle and get through. Relationships are mended and hurts from the past are repaired. there is no such thing as a perfect parent, I can attest to that, but I will say my mom is pretty darn close ;)

I love you mum. You have taught me great things. You have taught me how to stand up for myself and you have still to this day, help me when I’m in a bind. Thanks for all you have done for me. This thanksgiving, I give thanks for you mum. Thank you!

Forgiveness, Acceptance, Maturity. I guess I can say I have all three :D

Have a spectacular day friends! Ciao for now :)













God, Self & Others

God, Self and Others. How does that all work and where are we in the equation of it all?

Lately I’ve been busy, busy, busy. So many of life’s challenges have been thrown my way and I’ve been busy making lemonade ;) Through it all I have been losing my connection with God, myself and others. I felt “old” me creeping around, lurking around sabotaging my days and the goodness of my life.

Today I took myself and Oliver my dog out for a nice long walk. I put my head phones in my ears and cranked up my favorite christian songs and took some nice deep breaths in and out. I allowed myself to just be. To take my time, to take in God’s beauty around me, to stop and feel the warm sun on my face. As I did that, I removed my ear phones and I listened to the birds. I stopped and looked up into the trees to see those cute little birds fluttering around and singing so loudly. And just because God is so awesome, He threw in a very large Hawk to boot! Friends, I suddenly became so aware of how I have been missing out on my quiet time and connection with God. When this happens all areas of my life are so… so… lets just say you can really feel tension. Today I surrender it all to God. He gently reminded me of what needs to be taken care of in my life. First things first, for me, the order must go as follows; my time with Him and myself needs to be nurtured and guarded. Next, my time with others needs to be balanced and nurtured.

It’s funny because I realized when I’m lacking in connection with God and myself, I then tend to “fill” my days with the business of life and from my life’s experiences that never leads to anything fulfilling.

Anyways, what I want to share is, from my experience in life, spending time and establishing a relationship with God leads to such peace, serenity and all around goodness. You’re able to tackle life’s challenges more clearly and respond rather than react to the craziness that can happen.

Well, gotta run (hahaha)

Hope your day is better than good!

Sending you all a great big hug! :D