Through The Eyes of The Beholder

So I watched this pretty cool semi documentary that was posted to Facebook, about how women view themselves. To no surprise, all the women interviewed had pretty much the same answer. In a nut shell, they all disliked their bodies and saw themselves as “ugly”.

How sad.

I was there for many years. I was like those women for a very long part of my life and I’ll be honest, if I’m not connected to my Creator and taking care of myself, I can slip into the false beliefs once again.

How does this happen? Do you have any idea? Any idea at all? How is it that so many women around the world have a poor body image of themselves?? And what on earth is the why behind it?

I can only share from my own experience. I lived a life of comparing, trying to be those “perfect” women in magazines, trying to create some sort of perfect beauty to please everyone else. I went as far as to starve myself and when that wasn’t good enough, the internal self bashing with name calling and feeling worse for not being able to achieve the “standard”.

Society doesn’t help at all. Society puts there ridiculous standards on how a woman “should” look. We hang onto what society “feels” or think it “knows” what beauty is.

What is true beauty to you? Is it looks? Is it money? Is it fame? Is it the “perfect” body (even though there is no such thing)? Is it what you “own”? What does it mean to you?

I can confidently share with you my explanation of true beauty. It took me many years to get where I am today and it took a lot of re-programming my mind and thinking. Not only about myself but about the world outside of me.

I must make something very clear. This was not something I was able to do on my own. Being on my own and living for this world and experiencing situations that destroyed the thoughts of myself was what helped get me to the pit of ugliness. Ha! Funny you know! Having such a poor self image and saying mean and nasty things about myself is what is ugly! Isn’t that crazy? Here we women go around comparing ourselves to other women, putting ourselves in competition with them trying to be “better” more beautiful, more sexy and all the while becoming uglier with our attitude and hatred by the minute! Goodness me! And not to mention how this has a ripple effect and reeks havoc in our relationships! Wow, the enemy of this world doesn’t have to work very hard to get us feeling badly about ourselves does he?

Friends, ladies, gentlemen, lets get to the raw beauty we posses. We need to know WHO we are and WHOSE we are! Until I came into the beauty with God, I was no where near being beautiful or loving myself. Beauty for me is having a clean open heart. It is being able to love those who are unlovable, It is respect for one’s self and it is the care and gentleness one is able to extend to one’s self. Beauty is looking at yourself and saying, “you are amazing”, It’s being able to actually look at one’s self in the mirror and like what you see. I was unable to look at myself in the mirror for many years. I hated, I loathed the person starring back at me. Today by God’s grace I am able to linger and look at myself in the eyes with a heart of love and have gratitude for who I am. For what I see.

I want to encourage you today, start changing the old tapes in your mind. It’s hard but it’s doable, I am proof of that! Do it today, look at yourself and say something nice. Stop comparing and holding yourself to society’s standard and get back to reality and get back to God who has created such a beautiful being. YOU!

I can go on and on about this and I have, hehe, But I will leave you with this;

Charm can fool you and beauty will trick you, but a woman (or man (I’m throwing that bit in)) who respects the Lord shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30

This scripture helped me change my views on myself.  Learn it, know it. You are so much more than what society “thinks” or thinks they “know”. Let us stand together and take ourselves back! We are worth it and we are soooo much more!

Amen! :D

No One Asks For It. Ever!

Heeelllloooo to all my friends and followers!! Today is an important day for me. I get to flash my purple clothing and stand up and speak out against sexual assault!

I hope you all have found a snazzy purple something to wear ;)

I’ve been reflecting on my amazing journey over the years and I am brought to tears at the incredible life God has created for me. Out of such a disastrous mess He has turned it into a beautiful garden of love and forgiveness.

I’ve been feeling convicted this morning to make this blog about my two violators. My two cousins.

To the both of you. Today I reflect on the attacks from the both of you. In the past I never thought I would ever get over what your actions did to me. The trauma, the self hate, the anger, the rage and the poor value of life I had. The torment and horrible memories that haunted me everyday of my life. The loss of my childhood. Today I am here to tell you both what God has restored in my life. I have an amazing family! God has restored to me what your actions stole from me. God has taught me to love, real true love and most important He has given me a heart to forgive both of you. And as you both continue to hide and deny your actions I will continue to pray for you both and your wives and families. You know why? Because that is the kind of woman God has turned me into. I have been able to use what your actions did to me to help other people. I have chosen to take what you both did and use it to glorify what God can do. I have chosen to forgive you both so I may live a life of sheer happiness and FREEDOM. Something you two do not know. I can only hope that you both come to your knees and submit to God and repent of your actions. The incredible freedom and quality of life that comes from that is beyond amazing. I pray for your children. I pray none of them endure the horror of sexual abuse. May God help you because He is the only one who can. And if you ask Him, He will. You see, God loves you both just as much as He loves me and He is a forgiving and loving God. he knows EVERYTHING about us. He knows it all even if you try to continue to deny.

To my beautiful incredible supporters, God bless you in abundance! Thank you for journeying with me through all of this. Thank you for the hugs, love and support. Thank you for still being there. I am so grateful for you all. Those I know personally and those I know only through the amazing social media network. God bless you!! Sending you all a virtual hug :D

Happy day to all of you <3

No One asks for it

Will You Join Me?

pic for may 2

 

I got this photo from Facebook. It will be the second year that I will participate in this event.

As many of you know, I am a thriving Survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have willingly done a lot of work to overcome the effects this abuse has had on my life. It has been one heck of a journey. One journey that I would not trade for anything. I have, and am becoming an incredible human being.

I am inviting you to please join me and many others in wearing purple Friday May 2nd in support and awareness of sexual abuse. This abuse must be brought out in the open and we are they only one’s who can help put a stop to this. It is horrific! Friends, no child, no man or woman should ever have to suffer at the hands of another. Sadly in society today, the exploitation of young human beings is accepted. No one stops to think of how they objectify and add to this abuse when they use children, men or women for their viewing pleasure or worse!

Please take a moment to think about this. If you have children, it could easily happen to them.

And friends, let us think of the men and women who are forced into providing services for people’s pleasures. The abuse and torture they endure.

Let us take a stand. Will you stand with me and let people know, we will not tolerate or add to this abuse!

From one Survivor to another, from one human being to another, let us come together and take a stand!

Lets get our purple on! You’ve got plenty of time to find some snazzy outfit ;)

Thanks for your support. Together we are stronger, God bless :D

Why?

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over expecing a different result. 

I beleive Albert Einstein was the one who came up with this so overly used gem.

I’m using it tonight.

That’s all I gotta say today. :/

Hey You! Yeah, You!

Hey there friends. Hope you’re doing great :)

I was sitting chatting with my girls and they have graciously reminded me of some amazing things. I’ve shared this video before and I’m sharing it again. It has really spoken to me again and reminded me of how beautiful God has made me to be. What my abusers stole from me and the repercussion it has had on my life and my relationships was, is, no match for what God has restored in me.

To my amazing daughters, thank you for always seeing the beauty in me.  I love you more than you’ll ever know and I cherish our relationship.  :*

 

ED- It’s Not What You Think.

I started a group a few weeks ago. This group is a parents support group. My husband and I have ended up in this group for two reasons. One- one of our children, just like me, suffer from an eating disorder. And two- Gods plan to “poke” at me in regards to this issue.

You see friends, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for about twenty years now. As I have been on my journey with God, I’ve faced many dark and ugly areas of my life that needed changing and healing. As challenging as they have been, day by day, prayer by prayer, I’ve gotten through and persevered. My eating difficulties have been flying under the radar.

So it has come to be that I have joined this group and have been to a couple of meetings and they have been awesome! Ok truthfully, they have disturbed me something terrible! It has “kicked up the dust” in me. It is as if Pandora’s box of difficulty has been cracked open. Now let me tell you, this difficulty and my behavior around facing the truth of my own food difficulties  has started to trickle into my relationships in the form of irritation, nit picking and the emotion to cover all emotions-Anger. This has gone on for about two weeks. I could not understand what the heck was going on in me. I kinda knew but refused, suppressed to face what needed facing. Yes, yes I had admitted in the past I have struggled with Eating Difficulties and in my denial have said, I have “it” under control and I have even convinced myself and my loved ones that it is something I don’t struggle with anymore. I convinced myself that I do not struggle with this anymore. Ha.

I’m here today to admit to myself and to you, my fellow readers, that I am still suffering and struggling with my food.

I’m going to share a little bit of what it’s like to live with an eating disorder. In my case – Anorexia.
Friends please know this is not something I choose to do or even realize I’m doing it (I’m not going to get into causes or anything like that today).

So what’s it like? In my brain, hell. There’s a constant nagging, chattering about what to eat not eat, how much exercise will I get in order to eat that? How many calories or fat does that contain? If I eat that do you know what I will look like? If I keep eating this I’m going to be compared to other women. There’s conflict in my life? That’s because I ate for a few consecutive days now I will restrict and loose a few pounds. I don’t know how many pounds I need to lose I just know I need to lose them. Oh goodness, Rob must think I look disgusting! What does my family think of me? Go out in public? Be around other people?  GO TO THE MALL???!!!!  (this one has gotten much better). Do I eat that? How much do I eat? Will I be working this off later? What will this do to me? Don’t eat too much. Don’t eat that. Don’t even think about trying that, do you know what it will do and how you will look? It’s not a wonder why you have problems in your marriage, look at how you look!

And on and on it goes…… Ugh, makes me sick.

Then there’s the flip side. I binge. Now I did not realize I binge. Never considered myself one who binges. The bingeing process goes like this:

Oh heck, I’m going to eat this and this and this. Oooo dessert? Yup I’m having it. Going to eat three meals a day and snack in between! (Just yesterday I ate candy like there was no tomorrow, all the while saying, ok tomorrow, I eat nothing to work this all off). For someone with anorexia, having a bite of cake or candy or a full meal could be a binge. In my case that’s what happens.

There’s also this incredible need to feel in control. In control of life and anything surrounding me. It makes me feel safe (now that is distorted thinking).

And so for twenty years, this crazy insanity has gone on. I am so done with it! It’s exhausting and frustrating. I try to be gentle with myself and understand where this comes from and how it was “grown” through my past abuse. As I have been dealing with the other issues in my life, I’ve managed to conveniently “tuck” this coping mechanism away.
The past couple of weeks I haven’t been sticking to my exercise routine and I feel I have gained weight. This doesn’t make me feel good. I’ve become irritable, angry, frustrated, frazzled and I have little to no patience. I have been snapping at my kids and I’m lashing out at my husband. I’m creating division in my relationships and I’m not keeping in touch with friends as I need to be. This is where I start to spiral into isolation. If I keep to myself then I can be in my own little world and figure out, count calories, restrict food and keep my body moving. I can busy myself so I don’t need to face what I’m doing. Day after day. In between my daily responsibilities, this is what goes on for me. It’s especially challenging because I prepare most of the meals. Honestly when my family cooks, I eat all my meal and have no regrets.
So friends, living with ED, is difficult not only for us but for those who live with us. It’s like addiction, the behaviors and distorted thinking that comes with the disorder is enough to drive anyone nuts! It’s not something we can overcome alone and it is something we certainly cannot overcome without Gods help. Believe me, I know this because I’ve tried.
Sadly, my youngest daughter suffers too. Can I be held responsible? Has she seem me restrict? Has she caught on to my bad attitude towards food? Yes. Do I have tremendous guilt? Goodness yes. Does it break my heart to see her struggle and know the war that’s going on inside her? Yes. And what about our family members who deal with the “crazy” that comes with this? I can only imagine what it’s like for them. For what they put up with. For what they deal with as we battle ourselves.

On a positive note, because I LOVE to always see the silver lining, the lessons, the incredible miracles of God through these challenges, I have decided to face this demon head-on. I have decided to fight it, to surrender it to God and walk through this healing with Jesus as my Guide. I have decided to take one day at a time to deal with daily struggles around food. I have decided to remind myself that this is linked to my past and a result of the abuse I experienced and living with addiction. I have decided that I will NOT use my abuse as an excuse to continue on in this manner. For if I do, my abusers “win” and still have control over me. I REFUSE to allow that. I know there’s a road ahead of me and with anything else, it will be challenging but I have buckled up and I will keep my focus on Gods goodness for my life. You see, God has incredible plans for me and I need to be ready to receive that. This challenge is just another stepping stone to get me closer to my destiny with God. This motivates me to get well and be the best I can be for Him. I want to do amazing things for God. He has done so much, more than I deserve. Oh friends, if you knew me a few years ago you’d think it was two different people. The incredible transformation God has done with my heart is miraculous. I’m already in amazement at how much more cleaning up and restoration He is doing in me now! I know as I change my ways, my daughter will see this. God always makes a way to right our wrongs and I intend to do that. I intend to work with God to do just that!

I’m going to share a piece of my journal entry with you. I wrote this a few days ago. I have been reading it everyday.

Journal Pic 1

I can do this for today. To tackle something for one day is manageable. To think about doing this for a week, a month or a life time gets overwhelming. So just for today, God and I will go moment by moment. :)

It does upset me to admit all this. I like to think I have “it” all together but to be honest and as you can read, I don’t. Oh perfectionism, I cannot keep up with you ;)

Well friends, it’s time for some coffee and yes, some breakfast.

I thank you very much for reading and for your support along my journeys.

Happy Day!

P.S. (for my friends with kiddies)

CAN YOU BELIEVE SCHOOL STARTS NEXT WEEK???? :O

Is it a Wonder? Lets get Serious!!

I’ve settled in to do my school work and a topic I’m covering now is women who have been sexually abused as a child and later on in life have addition issues.

Earlier this morning as I was tidying up, I came across a workbook of mine with of all my notes, journals and answered questions from the work I have done on my past childhood sexual abuse.  This work I was reading was from a year ago. I read through it. My stomach hurt. My notes described how at 12 years old I would drink excessively to become drunk. I recall putting some sort of alcohol in an empty pop can to hide what I was drinking. When I drank and became drunk, I didn’t need to deal with myself or the feelings I had. They were numbed. I associated the drinking with a way of coping. After all, addiction is suffered by those who have a core self shame and have endured such trauma. Core self shame? That my friends is, feelings of shame for who you are and not for something you did. Two very different feelings. And very damaging.  I continued reading on about how I would drink alcoholic beverages and bottles of wine in one shot. I was after the “freeing” feeling. Something to take me away and out of reality.  I also read about my attempts at suicide and how I abused myself with food. Or lack of I should say.

It is no surprise to me how young women in particular, go to these extremes when dealing with such horror.

As I continued on reading I was reminded of how important it is for a child’s family to be available and to keep our children safe! It appalls me on how I felt so blamed for what happened to me. Very few survivors get help and validation from family members. What happens to us when that happens??? Well heck, numerous things! Take living a life of chaos, busyness, suicide attempts, eating difficulties, avoiding intimacy with friends or partners, using humor to “laugh” it off, self mutilation and here’s one, escape. Escape through fantasizing about a different life or different situations or in my case fantasize about me dying and finally receiving some much craved attention. So sad.. Here’s one I used for years, indulging in “leaving it all up to God”. I believe in God and trust Him completely. What I was doing was wrong. Hiding behind Him and expecting Him to just fix everything for me while I did nothing (except drink away my sorrows). Here’s another, Denial is HUGE! It  is one I used and in my opinion, has saved me. Denial of what happened, denial of the importance of it. Denial has given me a reprieve when I have been unable to handle my emotions and situations. It also acted as a shock absorber for my soul especially as a young child. I have come to know denial is a necessary stage in dealing with traumatic experiences. When we move out of denial and allow the experiences to “thaw”, this is where some serious trouble hits some of us. Reality hits us and hits us hard.

Before I started this blog, I accidentally came across a few posts in WordPress about the teen mom 2 women. Totally my opinion here, if you haven’t walked in those women’s shoes, BUTT OUT AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO GOSSIP ABOUT! Good grief! On and on and on people go about how one of these young women struggle with drug use. People, how’s about we educate ourselves on addiction, drug use and teen pregnancy BEFORE we take it viral?  Like I posted a few posts ago, the last thing teen mom’s need is to be kicked when they’re down.  The last thing people who suffer from addiction is to be kicked when they’re down. It makes us no better than anyone else. In fact in my opinion, makes us worst! We can always point a finger at someone else, but remember when we do that, there are three pointing back at us.

Phew, thanks for reading all that. Had a little rant in me there.

Thanks soooooo much to all of you who read these posts. Letting it out and sharing my story brings such freedom.  I can now write my paper with a little less tension. Hehe.

Blessings and peace to you all :D xxxooo

 

What was I thinking?

Good beautiful morning!!  It is so sunny and cold where I am today!

Our anniversary  yesterday as so wonderful! It was the best anniversary I have ever spent with Rob. I suspect a lot of it has to do with my thoughts and attitudes towards him and our relationship.

I took some time last night while Rob made us a delicious dinner, to help my son Alex organize a few things in his bedroom. I just need to share about Alex.  He is a great guy. I love him so much and I’m so proud of him. It amazes me how smart he is and how he is becoming a good, good man. Ok so,  I stumbled across a box full of photos. I love our old photos. Sadly I came across one from Alex’s first year birthday. Let me explain about birthdays and parties. When we lived at my parents house and we were planning one of the kids birthday parties, we had to invite everyone and their mother to the party so we would not offend anyone. And that is what I did all the time.

As you know, I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My perpetrators were two of my cousins.  When I got a little older I told of what had happened to me and the incidents were “brushed under the carpet”.  As time passed I realized one of my cousins was always at our house. He was invited to parties, outings and he was just always, always around. I could not understand, being so young, why he was always there after what I had shared. How did I get through the visits? Well, understanding my behaviours over the years and how in denial of situations I was, is a pretty good indication that I disassociated myself mentally form each situation as I did when I was being violated.

Anyway, back to the parties and the photo I found. This particular person was at my son’s first birthday party!! And to top it off, Alex was sitting on his lap!!!! My heart skipped a beat when I saw this picture. I thought to myself, “did I take this picture?”, “what on earth was I thinking?”.

I put the picture down and offered myself  grace. Sadly, I didn’t protect myself nor did I have enough courage or self worth to respect myself enough to stand up for myself.  All those years of being in a place of thinking I had no choice but to “suck it up”.  I despise that statement.

Thinking back, my goodness, that was just crazy. I wonder at times, why, why was he always there? And what on earth was going on in my family at this time? I will never know.

I will happily share though my friends, out of all that crazy, I am becoming the best person I can be. The forgiveness I am able to extend, the love I am able to feel for myself and others, the joy, the happiness I feel inside me today would not be here had I not gone through the depths of hell. A work in progress always. Which way I decide to go and how willing I am to get better, determines how well I become.

Thank you for reading. Brings so much healing to my heart and soul. Who would’ve thought? :)

Don’t Tell!!

I wanted to share this morning about sexual abuse awareness. When a topic such as this is brought up, many times people will change the subject or avoid it at all costs. Some will say, “it has nothing to do with me” and leave it for the next person.

As I shared before, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. A survivor. Not a victim anymore. I was sexually abused between the ages of three to eight years old. With each attack came, “don’t tell”. I recall a time being abused in my own bedroom with my parents down stairs and one of my siblings in his bedroom right next to mine. I was abused and left there to gather myself up as he told me, “don’t tell” and left my room. I remember walking out of my room after a while and going down stairs as if this was “normal” in my life. That memory has haunted me for years. I was always stuck there in my minds eye. Not today. In my minds eye, I have gone into that room and picked up that little girl and took her out of there. It is no longer a place for her. We are free today.

It was not until last year that I finally said out loud what has happened to me and I have turned around to face it. This nightmare has chased me all my life. I felt God was bringing this part of my life to the surface on many levels because it was not something I could bury anymore. It was stopping me from moving on in my life. I became willing and I opened this chapter of my life. Friends, it has not been pretty. I will say though, the freedom and peace I have gained from doing a lot of work through this has been miraculous. Without God guiding me, there is no way, no way at all, that I would have been able to face it alone.

This abuse has reeked destruction in my life and the relationships I had. The effects that this abuse scarred me with are many. The innocence was stolen from me. Growing up, I was unable to play with barbie dolls or baby dolls. I tried but it soon turned into a rage and hate bubbling up within that I would end up beating my dolls and destroying the barbie dolls. The abuse then would turn on myself. I remember being a little girl around five or six and beating my own body. Punching myself and hitting myself out of such anger and because of what was happening to me. I was angry that no one was helping me, I was angry no one knew. My goodness, if I could go back to that little girl, I would hold her, hug her and protect her. Comfort her and bring her to safety. I remember the day I finally shared this terrible secret. What happened? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was brushed under the carpet.  To a child who has suffered sexual abuse, when they finally have enough courage to tell someone and the adults in their life do nothing to help them, this compounds the abuse and kills a child’s soul even more. It causes devastating trauma to a young child. What I learned from this was, it didn’t matter what others did to me, I needed to “suck it up” and take it. I became ashamed of myself, I hated my mere existence. I carried the blame.

(*I got to share a funny story, so when I was younger I was told never to tell my dad anything or he would have a heart attack and die. Two years ago my dad found out about the abuse, two weeks later, he had a heart attack. Funny but not. He’s in very good health today).

Why was I a target? I believe and with the work I did, has a lot to do with our family life. Sex was not a topic ever discussed. Healthy sexuality was a topic never discussed. To me, feeling a part of the family and feeling loved was not what I felt growing up. Our family had issues that we just did not speak of. Everything was hush, hush. It’s as if, if we didn’t say anything, it would all go away. No, it never does.

Kids who have been abused will call out for help in other ways. Some wet the bed, some will misbehave in school, some become “bullies”, some will be defiant, some will lash out and be destructive, some will run away from home, some will cry out by using alcohol, drugs or pornography, some cut themselves, some will have poor grades in school from an inability to concentrate, some seek out love from others by giving of themselves, some become teen moms. Some, will become abusers themselves.  

Friends, this topic needs to be spoken of freely, especially with our children. Teaching them about inappropriate touching and to be comfortable and feel safe enough in our families to discuss anything is a first step in protecting our kids. It’s our duty as parents to protect them by any means we can. This in my opinion is imperative.

Be open to see the why behind children’s behaviour that we think is “bad”, unacceptable or embarrassing. Look deeper. Ask questions without reacting. Be open yourself. Don’t let shame stop you.

Please be aware this happens to so many everyday. Right in our own families, right under our own noses. The only way we can start to make a stop to this abuse is by talking about it.

Today I can honestly say, I have compassion for my abusers. I pray for them, for I feel, they must have suffered at the hands of another too. Forgiving them makes me free.

Thank you for reading this. Even if it brought up uncomfortable feelings. Thank you!

 

 

Long road here continued……

March 1999.

This was the biggest fight with Rob in all our lives together. He didn’t come home one night. I did not hear from him and I didn’t know for sure where he was. But deep down I knew. I was hurt, scared, angry, lonely and desperate. Needless to say that was a sleepless night. When he came home the following day I confronted him yet again. He again said that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. I turned a blind eye again to what he was doing. I could not face this latest rejection. I couldn’t face the feeling of not being enough. My self abuse started again and it got much much worse and the feelings stronger. I blamed myself for being too fat, for being too ugly, for not being adventurous enough. I was unable to make Rob happy. I beat myself up mentally. I told myself, look at what I did to this poor guy, I destroyed his life. I was nothing but a burden to him too now. As I reminisce back to that year, it was one of the lowest points of my life. If it was not for my kids I would have surely perished. I got more and more desperate and wondered what I was going to do? I had reached the point of beyond despair.

During this time, Rob decided to take a trip. Could I get any more furious? Mind you, a part of me was relived he was leaving. Rob left for a week. He went down east to visit his family and I was very very angry. I was left alone with my kids and my broken life. I had to try to gather the shattered pieces and try to put my life back together again. Back together? Was my life ever together? I felt like I was an empty shell walking around going through my days.

I had nowhere else to turn. I was defeated. I had nothing, nothing left to give. The one place I hadn’t been turning my whole life came to mind. I had only one option, I needed to turn to God, even if it was in anger or desperation, this life I was living, I could no longer bear. I was so alone, afraid and hurt. I had terrible guilt for blaming God for what had happened to me in this terrible life I was living and for this life He supposedly gave to me.  But how could I turn my face to Him? How was that possible? I carried such sin and shame. At this point I didn’t much care how it was going to be possible, I just knew that I needed to try something different, my efforts had failed. I remember being curled up in a ball on the floor, crying, sobbing to the point of vomitting and I called out. My cry was desperate. It was angry. It was empty. I said, “God help me, I can’t do this anymore”. “Please do something” “Stop this life, Stop this life”. I got to a point where the tears stopped. I felt like the world stopped, the rage and thrashing of my soul ceased. There was quietness, there was peace………