Hey good morning friends. Hope the week is off to a great start for you.
I’m struggling with a few things. Maybe not struggling but disturbed? Not sure. I do know there is a disturbance in my soul, in my spirit.
I have a lot going on. I’m not sure if I shared with you previously about the book I was writing? Well if not, I have written a book and it has been sent to a few publishers and two have responded back with some serious interest. I am also struggling with the fact that my life is changing. My family life is changing. My kids are growing up and having a life of their own. This leaves me feeling, where do I fit into this transition, and, I’m also feeling very proud and happy that my kids are growing up. Last night I expressed some feelings and a need to stay connected as a family. I’m asking for, every week or at least, every two weeks we commit to getting together and hanging out. I need this connection. Family is very important to me and I feel when we stay connected with our kids this helps to ward off other things. Everyone needs to feel connected. We are human, we were created to be connected to God and other people through relationship. When we don’t, we go in search of other things and those other things can be lead us down an ugly path.
It’s very strange because I sit here and write this, I feel all shaky inside. Weird. Could it be that I don’t do well with change? That is a very big possibility. You see, I was thinking about what is really going on in me about this transition and I thought to myself, is it because I feel I don’t have a life outside my family? I pondered on this question and the answer is, no. I don’t feel that way. A few years ago I could say with confidence that yes, that would have been the reason but today that is not so. I also thought about some self sabotaging behaviour I have when it comes to having some success in my life. You see, I’m coming to the end of my studies in school and this with that I will receive my diploma and certification as a Addiction Care Worker. I also have submitted my finished book and there is interest in having it published. These are two major accomplishments for me. A few years ago they were just dreams. Maybe goals. And now they have come to pass and I feel, I feel… I want to say threatened. My oh my, what is going on here? There’s this big part of me that wants to turn around and run and run and run. People, I have no clue where I’d run to and honestly, me and running don’t go well together, I wouldn’t get very far. Hahaha
So my friends, I guess what is happening here is, I am moving forward and at the same time, I am trying to move back. That ugly mindset that lurks around in my brain of, “I’m not deserving of success”. That is a bunch of cow plop! I’ve allowed this distorted thinking to ruin many things in my life. It needs to stop now. Heaven help me.
Well alright, I’m off to do some school work and that will be my goal for the day. Finish up part of my last assignment. One thing, one step and one day at a time. Yup. Only way to do it. :)
Lord, You got me this far, may I do what I can do and You continue to do what I can’t.
Have a blessed day friends ;)